How to respond to gaslighting--spotlighting it and shutting it down | Professional communication training
In this free online communication training video, communication skills coach Dan O'Connor gives tips, techniques and precise words and phrases for responding to gaslighting, whether in a work or home setting. As always, Dan includes power phrases for effective communication in his workplace harassment training videos. He teaches how to improve communication skills by giving concrete examples, words, phrases and even the appropriate body language for responding to difficult people and situations with mindful words that shed light, not heat. Gaslighting can occur at work and certainly occurs at home and in personal relationships.
In a previous video, communication coach Dan O'Connor went over what gaslighting is and how to recognize it. In this video he quickly recaps, and then moves to four effective power phrases for shutting down gaslighting. As always, Dan gives you the words to increase your communication skills and power.
COMPLETE TRANSCRIPT BELOW:
You're crazy yeah. Well, I think you've lost your sense of humor and you can just talk to me.
However, you want you're, not remembering things right. What about how to respond to gaslighting. com or well? I'm not talking about that.
I'm talking about this or when you I feel because stay on message, I might narrate the scene a little bit, i'm a big Believer in the setup. The words aren't that difficult to come by, I can give you those using them can be a challenge. That's why you want to have the right tools so remember those visual cues are key practice using those tools when times are easy, when you don't have any stress going on, so that when it comes time to use them, those words flow out.
Remember that the goal of a gaslighter is to take the focus off of the issue at hand that You're bringing up nine times out of ten and instead place it on you. Why are you always behaving like this instead of the issue? Right so remember, you want to have a laser focus and stay on message, one of my very favorite strategies to do. That is something that i've mentioned a lot of my communication skills, coaching sessions, if you've taken them with me or if you've taken one of my online communication skills classes, the that may be but And the broken record there.
That's what i'm talking about that sarcastic negative, insulting language that will be the end of our relationship and I don't want that to happen. You know, I think you've lost your sense of humor well, that may be, but that type of language that insulting sarcastic language - that's going to be the end of this relationship, and I don't want that. You don't seem to really care about what I want or ever want to talk about what I want that may be, and if you want to talk about that, we can but that type of language that insulting sarcastic talk.
That's what i'm talking about now and that is going to be the end of our relationship, and I don't want that stay on message that may be, but or well i'm not talking about that. I'm talking about this, if you have some questions that you'd like me to answer, make sure to hit that notification bell After you subscribe. That is how you get an invitation to our free live sessions here on youtube.
I would love to hear your stories and your questions make sure to jot them in these in the comments below, so that I can answer them in upcoming videos. I'm a big believer in the setup. Okay, if you find things, are becoming a pattern in your relationships and you've noticed them as not right.
One of the most effective things to do is to find a time when the issue is not at hand and bring it up if you're going to be bringing it up to a man which tends to be the case more often because it tends to be a Man gaslighting a woman that just tends to be it's not always the case. So if you are a man being gaslit by a woman, the same goes for you find a time when the issue is not at hand to bring it up physically speaking, one of the best things to do when you Need to bring up an issue with a Man, any issue at all is when they're driving down the street. So if you can find a way, especially to bring an issue like this up and do the setup as you're driving in a car and you're seated side by side perfect, if that's not really possible.
For you, if you can maybe involve a task, let's say that it's your boss, who's gaslighting, you, maybe you could help organize something in the office with them, as you bring it up. If it's a spouse Or a family member, maybe you could wrap christmas presents together and as you're doing that bring it up. Involving a task helps take some of the focus off of the person that you're addressing and when you alleviate some of the pressure and some of the focus you get more honesty and the message gets through more.
So if my goal is to be effective, remember try driving down the street involving a task that said, here's What the setup sounds like. I want to bring up the issue of gaslighting while it's not happening and before it happens again, I like to use the hamburger, because, when we're addressing this or any other behavior, it's difficult for us, sometimes to focus on behavior and not people, the hamburger helps us. Do that it's kind of a hamburger helper, the hamburger sounds like this yesterday when I brought up That incident and instead of addressing it with me, you started to call into question my sanity.
I felt disappointed and frustrated because I love you and I try to listen to you and change my behavior. If it's hurting you so I felt let down. I know you did not do it on purpose, because I don't believe that you would Do that on purpose or we wouldn't be here, but I wanted to make you aware of it so that if it happens again instead of that happening, you and I can work Together to find a solution that would work for the both of us.
What do you think about that? Does that sound right to you? Does it sound workable to you? Does that sound? Like a plan to you, I Want to use a closed, ended question to wrap up this setup, because when you're setting somebody up it's going to be in a situation where that's not happening, so you will be taking them somewhat off guard. But I don't want to be attacking them. I want to be bringing it up when you're not already defensive or emotionally charged, but the reason i'm bringing it up is not to fight about it.
It's to get a change in behavior, and so I want to use the odds, which is what tactical communication is all about. I want to speak in loving terms because I love you and anytime, i'm speaking to somebody that I love, I want to be hyper. Conscious of using loving words with them because there's nothing, we have to say that we can't say in a loving way.
Nothing. We just forget that sometimes and if you need help with that, that's what i'm here for that's the setup all right! If you do that, the right way, especially if you involve a task or if you're driving on the street you'll, be amazed how people will be receptive to that and they'll be like all right, because that way of approaching this type of issue is so Fair and Reasonable and straightforward and assertive people will respect that and be like. Well, that's how you're going to bring it up.
I guess I kind of have to give a little bit and say that's cool, because if that's how you deal with issues, I like that and i'll go with that and i'll be a little bit more reasonable. Okay, remember, narrating! The scene is a Fantastic way to be an assertive communicator address, the behavior at hand while staying on subject it might sound like this. I hear you you're, calling me crazy.
You think I may be crazy. I think that that's unfortunate that you'd choose this venue. This timing to bring that up, I think that at very best that would be poor form on your part.
However, that said, we all make mistakes and i'm willing to discuss that Once we address this issue and put it to rest all right, so getting back to the issue at hand slip right back into it. Remember your navigational phrases that help you stay on course. Remember your transitional phrases that help you go from one subject to another subject: that's why you want your professional communication skills toolkit.
You want to have the right tools and whether you're taking some professional communication skills, coaching lessons with me or with Somebody else. You should have been given and you should be using the right tools. So remember those visual cues are key practice using those tools when times are easy, when you don't have any stress going on when you're dealing with difficult people do not start to communicate like them.
Remember we are all either transforming or conforming all the time you are not here to conform. You are here to transform the environment around you. The way you do that the most effective way to do that is with loving words.
There is nothing you have to say that you can't say in a loving way, both at work or at home and for more examples on how to do that. Watch this next video after you subscribe,