How to Respond with Love to Lovelessness (Will Smith--Watch This)

Today you're going to learn how to avoid making that mistake that will smith unfortunately made at the oscars because you're going to learn how to respond rather than react when you find yourself in difficult situations such as people making disparaging remarks about people that you love right in front of you but this is the best part by the time this video is done in doing that you will have learned how To take what would otherwise be a regular difficult moment and just that transform it into what's known as the miraculous instant this channel is new to you i'm professional communication expert and professional speaking coach dan o'connor and what i do is i give you the words to help get you where you want to go and shut down people who get in the way of that and today what i'm going to do is give you the words to respond when you find yourself in a situation Such as will smith found himself where people are making disparaging remarks about people that you love in public so you need to respond to that but how can i do that in a way that not only serves the people that i believe that i am protecting but serves me at the same time and serves everybody how can i do that because we all find ourselves in those situations if you haven't get ready because you're going to now that you've seen this video just before we Begin i wanted to throw it out there i make mistakes more often than i get things right so i hope that i'm not judged as a person for my mistakes but i do hope that when we can recognize mistakes that people make we can learn from them and grow from them and hopefully in the end transform them into something positive i have not seen that done so far so i hope that together you and i can do that and turn that unfortunate experience into a positive Experience so will smith you are on the public stage and you made a mistake so i'm going to learn and grow from that in a group form so here we go so coming from a principle-based perspective the first thing that i would like to point out is one of the basic rules one of the nine principles as a matter of fact and if you'd like the whole nine principles make sure to check them out there in my store at danoconnortraining.com One of the first principles when it comes to principle-based professional communication skills training is you cannot cast out darkness with more darkness that's true in physics just as it's true in life when you study physics for example i believe anything that happens on the physical plane is a representation of what's happening on the metaphysical plane and metaphysically when we're talking about Love i'm going to say physically we're talking about light when you have light and darkness and they come together light winds just about in every other situation in physics something like an energy or electricity will have a charge a negative charge positive charge and in the end maybe the positive energy outweighs the negative or the negative outweighs the positive they come together battle it out and you See which one wins in the end except for when it comes to light when it comes to light or love there is no such thing as darkness just like there is no such thing as lovelessness when we perceive something as being filled with lovelessness or darkness or hate whatever you want to call it on the physical plane what we frequently try to do is cast out the darkness with more darkness And that is insanity there is only light darkness is not a real thing darkness is defined as simply the absence of light so when the two of them come together they don't have to battle it out and see which one of them wins when light and darkness come together light always wins period light fills the darkness always even if it's just a little bit of light It fills the whole darkness there is not a situation as there is in many other examples when the two of them come together and let's say that there was a lot of darkness just a little bit of light so unfortunately the light was overwhelmed by the darkness and darkness won there was just too much of it couldn't do anything it overtook the light that does not happen did you like that one if you did remember as soon as you Find value in this video to hit that subscribe button that's the best way to support this channel and i would appreciate it and also hit that notification bell that way you're going to be alerted when we have our live session so you can get your questions answered live and share this video on places like facebook and twitter and anyplace else you think people go for information like this i would appreciate that and helps keep these videos coming Yet many times when we perceive ourselves to be faced with the darkness we try and cast out that darkness with more darkness and then we get frustrated and feel bad when it does not work and i saw will smith doing that at the oscars he saw what he perceived to be an attack on his wife coming from chris rock he was you know casting darkness at her and so what did he do well he depending on how you want to look at it Whether he was defending himself or his wife will get into that later stood up and cast as much darkness as he possibly could at that moment you can't do that so it backfired and instead of illuminating the situation what he really did was cast a shadow over everything and the whole night became about that singular Incident so what you want to do is when you find yourself in these situations remember that when you are in an emotionally charged situation when something provokes a visceral response in you an emotional biochemical response in you that's a strong one what that should signal to us is hey we've dealt with this before that's why it's bringing up this response because in the past when we've dealt with this Situation it has hurt us so what i'm gonna do is flood you with enough emotion that your brain creates the drugs that you'll need to either fight this one out or run away from it real fast but remember if we run away real fast and don't deal with what's being brought up in us the universe is a wonderful teacher and will serve that lesson to us once more So that we can have the opportunity to choose again so i don't want to confuse him with his mistakes any more than i want you to confuse me with my mistakes and i don't mean to personally judge him as i'm going to do but instead i want to use his mistakes so that maybe we could learn from them and the next time we are given the opportunity to choose when we believe That we are in a situation that we perceive to be filled with darkness you don't try to cast it out with more darkness because you can't cast out darkness with more darkness duh so having said that another principle that was clearly illustrated i believe in this event that we talk about in our communication skills coaching is that the opposite of weakness is not strength Because i believe that will smith made the mistake of in that moment trying to demonstrate as much strength as he sees it as he possibly could he wanted to be seen as big and strong the opposite of weakness is love and when we are presented with these types of battles a lot of us make the mistake when we see a battle of facing it two different ways way number one people will engage in the battle We're not meant to battle things out therefore some people will think well then i will rise above it well you can't do that either because you were presented with this battle for a reason you know people will say i'll just put it in god's hand god put it in yours you have to face these battles and do something with them if you're presented with them or what happens is we just keep getting presented with the same battles over and Over and over until we get it right but there's a third way of looking at things instead of battling things out you know like a common battler or rising above the battle like a common avoider what if we illuminated the battlefield and in doing so Saw it completely differently what if what we perceive to be battles aren't battles at all they're really opportunities presented to us to change the world you know because that's not an easy thing to do to change the world is not easy or everybody would do it real change transformation tends to come from difficult most likely painful moments but if we can illuminate those moments and see them for what they are That these are not things that are meant to hurt us because we're not here to suffer and they're not things for us to battle through we're not here to battle there are things for us to use to illuminate our path so that we can get to our destination and get off this groundhog day hamster wheel that a lot of us feel we are on because we can't seem to choose correctly during the moment How can we choose correctly illuminate the battlefield think differently cast light onto it what is light love when you look at things from a more loving perspective a more illuminated perspective the things you look at really do change so when you find yourself in a battle and you don't know how you're gonna get through it remember stop in that moment between event and response and choose to see it through Loving eyes choose to deal with it with loving words because when you love something when you are looking at things through loving eyes the only response to any situation that you see is love is more love that's it that's natural it's our natural state if you do that and start doing it more often You'll change the world because that will become a pattern you know what about that what about if when we saw a situation we first decided to look at it through loving eyes and if we do not see the people involved as innocent keep looking until we do i mean what if we did that what if we approached every person in every situation with that type of attitude thinking i'm if i see you as something Other than loving and innocent i can't be looking at you correctly because that's not who you are that's an impossibility because you and i are made up of the same thing and i know that my father the power that runs through me but is not of me is only love and i'm only a reflection of that love therefore you could not be anything different what if we looked at everything like that before we spoke i mean how about that how about taking That approach as opposed to trying to show you that i'm still in charge here or trying to show you that i can protect my family or try to show you that you're wrong and i'm right or try to show you anything other than i recognize you as the love that's within me what about that how do you think that might change the experience we're having make that your pattern so keep that in mind as we talk about This experience that we all went through together and we all go through a lot you know any experience that's being really brought up for us to look at is something that we're all dealing with on an individual basis as well so think about these situations where you have to deal with people making disparaging remarks or insulting remarks about people that you know and love right in front of you what do you do to counter that so you're Not just casting darkness into more darkness does that sound silly well we all witnessed a very silly event the other night so let's take it let's take a deeper look at it before i give you the tools to help you respond rather than react and the words that i would recommend you say in a situation like that let's stop for a moment and observe the situation so as a professional communication coaching expert if i were To simply observe the situation and report on what i learned based on my observations number one i learned that will smith is not as confident as he would like to be in his role as protector in that family or his execution of that role therefore believes that his position in that marriage and maybe the marriage itself along with his wife jada are extremely vulnerable number two i concluded that he needs to get off the steroids number Three i concluded that chris rock had no idea what he said or did and had no malicious intent at all and finally i witnessed that mr smith despite his obvious acting skills is not by nature an empathetic person and is either totally oblivious to or does not care about the feelings of those around him and instead puts his feelings first and finally i unfortunately did not learn anything that i could use to help avoid being an unintentional bully or to help Be more sensitive to the plight of people who are suffering with alopecia or any other disease really that affects their appearance coming up i will tell you what i believe the tools are that will help you avoid making these mistakes but we need to first talk about why do i say that he believes that his execution of his role of protector is so vulnerable because human behavior one of the very basics of human behavior is we only defend what we believe to be Vulnerable therefore if he put on such a show defending the honor of his wife or you know the integrity of his family whatever it may be he believes that is really in jeopardy and that that is really vulnerable because if he did not believe that he would not believe that it needed such a defense but having said that even if you did believe that your wife needed protecting or that your family needed Protecting there are many options that you can choose the ones that he chose i believe spoke volumes about the way he thinks or the way he thought at least in that moment when we find ourselves in the spotlight what tends to happen is we reveal our patterns so i do not believe this would be a singular incident because that tends not to be what happens during those moments what happens is we reveal what Is our current pattern i believe we can change our patterns i believe he has not yet changed his pattern because in that moment when he was in the spotlight and was given the opportunity to reveal what his pattern is he did it number two when i say that he needs to get off the steroids again i'm just basing that off of my observations i'm not drawing any medical conclusion however you know how when you have enough alcoholics in your life you recognize The effect of an alcoholic and someone maybe is into drinking or if you know a lot of people who use drugs they might not be using drugs at the moment but there's something that you begin to recognize i have seen enough steroid use in my life to recognize someone who's on steroids but it appears as though if you look at the ali movie especially he has dabbled in these steroids in his career and it's very unusual that people can Transform their bodies the way he does in such a short period of time without the use of steroids i have never seen it done without the use of steroids and i've seen it done a lot and if you're not familiar with steroid use it's quite prevalent and recommended by many doctors and also if you look at the structure of his face it's very unusual that as people drop weight their face gets more puffy and grows in size as his did That's very unusual and usually when you see things that cannot be explained any other way than they are supernatural mystery except for one way and that one way explains everything very simply that's the real explanation so i'm going with that's the real explanation and the only reason i bring that up is not to bash will smith but it's because i want to actually forgive him a little bit When you're under the influence of steroids or anything that alters your hormones especially that more than anything else can throw you off kilter and out of whack therefore i believe that his screaming and yelling and tantrums that he put on where he had his jaw up and out as if to say i'm the alpha here i'm in charge of the academy awards that tends to reveal that he is either totally out of touch with reality and is Maybe a borderline sociopath or he was simply under the influence of steroids and that affected his ability to judge the situation and react to it simple and when i talk about chris rock not knowing what he had done therefore he was cast in the role of an unwitting bully i believe that because first of all he did not realize that will smith was coming up to hit him in the face you could tell that by his posture when will Smith came up to him he didn't back away he was thinking uh oh this is going to be some type of funny skit that will's putting on and then after will hit him in the face and continued to scream at him from the audience after receiving a slap was leaning back in a posture that says i had no idea that you would react that way and i have no idea why you did and he remained with his hands behind his back therefore Saying to will smith i'm taking what you're giving me because obviously i've offended you now this really i believe spoke volumes about chris rock and what a gentleman he is and what a compassionate person he is because he put his hands behind his back and stood there as if to say i will take whatever it is that you're putting out because i must have offended you therefore Give me your best shot and i'm not defending what i said because i don't even know what i said and why it was so offensive to you every single thing about his posture was saying that therefore i believe he did not have a clue what he said that was offensive he just didn't know what was so unfunny about the gi jane joke and now let's talk about will smith and his empathy when i say that it is because i can see zero evidence and i've looked Because i was disappointed i see zero evidence that he thought of anybody but himself because he's not a stupid man he knows how to think and connect one thought to another and make deductions if he had done that and there were plenty of moments i talk a lot about this moment between event and response and it is within these moments we reveal who we are and how we think what he revealed was he only thought About himself because had he thought about his wife and how she felt i was thinking about that when i was watching this live i was going oh my god where is she what is she thinking about because i was cringing with embarrassment empathizing with her now i could have been mistaken maybe she wasn't thinking like this at all but i was thinking if i were she in that position all i would be thinking about is oh my God please please stop drawing all this attention to me and my bald head i feel like there's a spotlight being reflected off my bald head right now and all you're doing is bringing more attention to my bald head i would do anything pray do incantations whatever it took to make that hell mouth beneath me open up and swallow me into the fiery pits for eternity just to take me out of that moment where i feel as though he's doing everything Possible to further the attention the negative attention that i feel is now on me and embarrassing me and he just won't stop that's not what a gentleman would have done my father was a gentleman if my father had been in that position and was being nominated for the best father of the universe and was being accompanied by my mother and maybe they were making jokes about her they would probably be Jokes along the lines of you know what are you being nominated for the you know best munchkin or are you going for the new smurf movie you know crotchety smurf or things like that and she felt uncomfortable because of those comments maybe to bring the attention off of his wife without regard to his own ego just let it go so that no more attention in that moment was brought to his wife to make her feel uncomfortable maybe to bring the Attention off of his wife he would have my father gone up on stage and whipped off all of his clothes and said you think that's funny look at this big man gut and done a dance so that people would have laughed at him rather than her anything that would take the attention from someone that he loved he would have done that is not what he did he did not follow the gentleman's coat and all i Saw him focused on was himself and to make sure that his image was intact to make sure that he presented himself as the great defender he just kept focusing on his wife's bald head he might as well have been saying over and over again stop talking about my wife's bald head you stop talking about my wife's bald head okay i can see stop talking about how bald she is she is bald as a cue ball stop talking about Her bald cue ball shaped head stop it that's not what he said but that might as well be what he said because that's how i would have felt had i been his wife at that moment and i can't imagine what it was like when they got into the car afterwards mean i'm i have a vision that i cannot imagine is not correct of that car door slamming when it was time for them to go home as soon as that door clicked closed i Would pay everything i have to hear the first words out of jada's mouth because i believe that they would be something along the lines of how could you or what were you you know just because she's not a stupid woman she's obviously an intelligent woman any intelligent person Would be baffled by their spouse's behavior and ask them what were you thinking when you were bringing as much attention as you could on my bald head you know i was uncomfortable with the spotlight shining and reflecting off of my bald head and what did you do you just brought more attention to my bald head look at all of the news all they're talking about is my bald head why am i bald what's my bald head got to do with this what do you Tell him to shut his mouth about his bald head all you did was now make my bald head the new topic of conversation from today on and who knows how long my bald head is going to be in the top of the news headlines that's what he did so he did not actually take away from her embarrassment if that's what he believed was you know happening it's not what he did and he had enough time During him walking upstage slapping chris rock in the face walking back to his place sitting down yelling one thing waiting yelling another thing there were enough moments in there enough moments between event and response for him to think is what i'm saying drawing attention from or putting more attention towards my wife's bald head because i'm guessing that his wife did not want the whole world talking about Her bald head maybe she did but she didn't appear to want that at the moment and if he had wanted to draw attention to his wife's bald head so that maybe he could bring some compassion and understanding to people who have to suffer from some affliction that affects their physical appearance he could have done it in a way that draws attention and understanding and empathy to people who are suffering from an affliction that Affects their physical appearance he did not do that instead what he brought was attention to himself so that there was no question that he was still the protector of his family he can stick his chin out really far you know he could show that he's the alpha male there in charge of the academy awards really so let's talk about the tools that we can use to avoid that before i do if you Disagree with me on any one of these points or have something else to say or add to that please do it in the comments below so that i can find out what you think about that and finally when i talk about how i didn't learn anything from that situation that i could have used we're going to talk now about how we could take situations like that that happened to us he could have taken a situation like that that happened to him and transformed it into something Positive in that moment but he did not either have the tools or choose to use the tools that he had to do that what do you do let's say that you have had some professional coaching or some professional communication skills training or even personal communication skills coaching and you have already a personal compass you have done your cost benefit analysis in this moment you've taken that opportunity in this sliver in time to reflect on your Personal compass to do a cost-benefit analysis what do you choose to do once you remember why you're there and what you want what do you choose to say what i recommend saying in those situations where you perceive somebody to be specifically disparaging somebody that you love or that you care about go up to that person in a very assertive way remember your body language remember To keep your chest up your head straight forward your eyes laser focused on their eyes and say to them starting with the lead-in line i'm sure you're not aware or i know you don't know or i'm positive you don't intend to set somebody up with telling them from the get-go with your lead in line i know that you aren't meaning to cast darkness On me i know you're not doing that on purpose start off with that and then explain to them what they're doing imagine if just imagine let's say that we were in that situation and we saw a presenter from the stage whatever stage it may be in the academy awards and that presenter was disparaging our spouse and from our perspective casting darkness on Them and so our emotions got the best of us we stood up and we started barreling towards that presenter because we were gonna go give him a smackdown hopefully by the time we got up there there were enough moments between event and that response where we could have stopped and thought wait a minute who am i why am i here and what do i want what's the cost what's the benefit and then had we gotten up to the presenter instead of smacking down that presenter Imagine if in an instant we decided to go up to them and say in their ear i'm sure you're not aware of this but your remarks are hurting my wife and i'm asking you to stop [Music] and then sat back down imagine how everything would have changed imagine just imagine how everything would have changed We would not have accused somebody being a bully and been really the judge and jury and executioner right there in front of the entire world making that huge mistake taking away from all of the achievements of all of the other people who achieved things and were being rewarded for it at that show having tortured the worldwide audience that has had to Not only suffer through that once but suffer through it over and over and over again imagine how that could have changed and you maybe could have shed light on people who are suffering from some affliction that affects their physical appearance and therefore eased the suffering of people all over the world because had you done something like that had we done something like that had he done Something like that that instant of him walking up on stage and whispering in the presenter's ear and then sitting back down would have been examined and they would have said what happened there and when that came out maybe there would have been an opportunity to start a discussion on oh there are reasons other than fashion why people may shave their head and maybe for women that's a little bit more Traumatic than it would be for a man maybe alopecia isn't such a light thing or a little thing as i thought it was maybe there's something that i can do to help starting with raising my level of compassion which is going to start with the people who i perceive to be casting darkness on me right now it's easy to be compassionate with people that we agree with or that are saying loving things to us it's easy to say loving things back the way to strengthen Our loving muscles is by being loving even when it's difficult that's how to do it by when you are in a situation where you think how could i possibly shine light on this remember i am the light how could i possibly be loving To this person wait a minute how could i possibly not is the real question that's what i am i am loving i am light and i'm sure you're not aware of this but what you're saying is embarrassing my wife and i'm asking you to stop there's almost nobody in the entire world that has ever lived who would not receive that message and think about it and change his or her ways because That's very difficult to argue with when someone's coming from a place of love or a place of light that is the only thing that can transform and cast out darkness so remember it's not that difficult if you have the right tools you might need a personal compass you might need a cost-benefit analysis and you might need the right lead-in lines something such as I'm sure you're not aware of i'm sure you're not intentionally i bet you don't know this but and then explain to them what they're doing simple what's not simple is stopping in that sliver in time that's why everybody needs a little extra professional or personal communication skills training and through these lessons here on youtube i'm happy to provide that to anybody who Needs it because whatever we have to say we can say it in a loving way and if you have any trouble doing that that's what i'm here for so let me know and if you have trouble doing that check out this next video after you've subscribed to this channel and check out my website downcountertraining.com where you'll find some of my premium resources