Communication and social skills training for those on the spectrum

Communication and social skills training for those on the spectrum | Professional communication training

I originally made this communication and social skills training for those on the spectrum video for those who were simply introverts, but I had so much feedback from my friends on the spectrum, I have re-purposed it, and hope you find it useful. If you're an educator and would like more effective communication tools for the classroom, let me know how I can help, OK?

Thanks everyone, and if you find this professional communication training video useful, please share and let me know in the comments.


Video Transcript:

What would it be like if you could sit down and talk to anybody at any time about anything if you're at a convention or if you're at a luncheon if you're just meeting somebody new if you're at a bar and you knew that you had the skills and the talents to be able to sit down and strike up a conversation an interesting one while following the rules of polite or


Professional conversation and really make it work what would that be like if you could do that effortlessly today i'm going to teach you how to do that because it's really just a few different strategies that you need in your communication arsenal to do just that and make it work and look like a communications superstar i've had so many questions on this lately i decided to give you


As a little gift for me to you this complete webinar that you'll find in dan o'connor training dot com if you want more information or webinars or courses or downloads or audios or videos like this make sure to check out our store and i put as a special i'm not sure how long i'm going to be running this but if you look in the description below i'm giving you a coupon for a whopping 400


Off the vip pass which gives you access to everything in my store forever for all eternity so if you're interested in more like this or if you know somebody who might be make sure to snap up that offer quick because it's not going to last too long and we also are excited to announce we have a live course coming up it's going to be a live course specifically for how to communicate with power tact and finesse


For managers supervisors and other leaders so if you're looking for that for yourself or again for somebody else or maybe your whole team at work i will put more information on that course in the description below and make sure to subscribe to this channel and stop by for more information or more courses like this we've got you covered so i look forward to seeing you in there on the other side and now here's the


Webinar being an introvert or an extrovert has nothing to do with your ability to effectively communicate it's all about having the right tools with the right tools anyone can be a savvy powerful effective communicator and i'm going to give you just those tools in today's lesson are you ready we have so much good stuff to get through today i want to get started


Right away but before we do i wanted to mention if you are thinking to yourself oh i'm so introverted i'm you know i'm just almost crippled by my introversion or maybe you're simply in the spectrum it does not matter i will tell you some of my very best students by far are not only introverted they are on the spectrum the best why because they put aside their


Preconceived notions about what communication is or who can effectively communicate and they simply take the tools that they are given study them and apply them that is what makes a polished communicator in fact what i have noticed is some of the most challenged communicators that i know are extroverts because they believe well i just am a people person i can go and talk to anybody


And they do that and they don't ever learn the skills that can help them effectively speak to anybody so don't make that mistake if you're an extrovert and don't worry if you're an introvert because i've got it all for you here's what we're going to be talking about today we're going to start out with starting conversations you know that's really for most of us the most difficult part and the more you master


Beginning conversations i mean being able to walk into any room and speak to anybody with confidence and power the more you can do that the more confident you will be the less hesitant you will be i mean you might never want to go out and meet new people i very rarely want to go out and socialize and meet new people however if that's part of today's work i can do that because i have the tools


So why not you can get to that point very easily and i'll give you everything you need to do that today then we'll move along to keeping it going you know once i can sit down with anybody and start up a conversation how can i keep it going and do it with tact and finesse we'll be talking about therefore the rules of polite conversation so that i don't find myself you know with foot and


Mouth disease or committing some horrible faux pas because the rules of polite conversation by the way i live right now in mexico down in the bosom of the sierra madre mountains and the rules of polite savvy conversation are the same here as they are in the states where i'm from fargo north dakota or really anyplace else worldwide we're going to be talking about the most basic


Of all rules so that you know long as i stick to these i'm going to be good then we will wrap up today with making your exit a lot of people don't know when to quit you know here's the clue when to quit when things are going well in life and in a conversation when you notice this has been a rocking conversation you know i've really made a connection here go or what do you do when you find


Yourself needing to exit you know for whatever reason it may be i need to exit stage left we'll be talking about how to do just that so that you can begin and end on a high note and you can chit chat or have small talk with anyone and you'll do it with power tact and finesse so let's get started with lead lines lead-in lines make your life so much easier i find it


Very difficult to jump off the high dive at the swimming pool in the public swimming pool in fargo north dakota looking back it was maybe 15 feet high it wasn't that high but i remember getting pushed off of that high dive because i did not want to go once i got pushed i kept going over and over and over again because it was fun but i needed a little push leading lines give you that little push


When you have the right words to help start conversations it's so much easier to keep them going you know the first words out of your mouth are the most difficult so make it easy what i've done is i've put some flash cards in your workbook and in those flash cards you will find one of them that talks about lead in lines conversation starters and the beauty of it


In terms of having communication skills and being able to make small talk the beauty of it is there are just three simple lead-in lines that you need to learn you'll see in this course there are really only a handful of tools that you will need once you can master a handful of tools you know just a few phrases practice them in no risk situations because that's what you want to do you want to take your flash cards and


Practice opening conversations using the lead lines that we'll be talking about in no risk situations so that when you are sent let's say to a conference and you are there to represent your company or your department or yourself and it's more of a high risk situation there's a lot on the line so to speak those aren't the times you try out new skills that's when you take the skills that we'll be learning today and apply


Them easy breezy and you will be so confident because you will see after one or two times of trying these out how effective they are and it only takes a couple of times to try them see that they work for you to feel like oh i got this because that's what builds confidence repetition so let's get started with the opener


Wow remember people will love you if you are authentic and open and genuine with your introverted self or if you're on the spectrum people will love you and you will win them over if you are up front open and reveal yourself to other people because that is the most difficult thing to do reveal yourself as an extrovert as an introvert as on the spectrum off the spectrum it does not matter


Communication is not about your personality style or your inclination it's about having learned specific skills that you can then implement when meeting new people it's all it is there is a trick when you meet somebody new to make them think wow i'm impressed you know i'm impressed with you as not just a communicator but as a


Person it is this when you meet someone for the first time your shoulders should be back and your chest should be round robin up you look them straight in the eye you tilt your head forward not to the side and you extend your hand and you say hi i'm with your name hi i'm dan o'connor what's your name that is it so practice saying that with


Your name in the i'm section say that three times hi i'm so-and-so what's your name repeat that hi i'm so-and-so what's your name hi i'm so-and-so what's your name easy right did you just get a little butterflies in your stomach when you said that because it's so stressful to have to meet new people that simply remembering those phrases and


Giving them a voice makes you nervous you know does it if so you're in great company because simply saying those phrases hi i'm dan o'connor what's your name if i were hooked up to a lie detector machine right now you would see it go off the charts with stress because meeting new people is so stressful to me but i've had to do it so often in my line of work just time and time and time again


Show up alone at a convention thousands of people and i'm the keynote speaker i'm i'm the one they're all there to see i have to meet and greet all by myself i don't know how i get into this line of work because i'm telling you if you had told me at 20 years old that's what i would be doing i would have had nightmares every night dreading and thinking what i have to go and meet strangers every


Day that's not my thing now that i know all i have to do is walk up to people and say hi i'm dan o'connor what's your name simple because when you do that people will be so open and excited to meet somebody who's such a savvy eloquent communicator but remember there's a big difference between saying my name is and i'm when you say to somebody because i'm going to break down


This greeting now when you say to somebody hi i'm dan o'connor and remember there are three points to that as i approach you have the chest up shoulders back i lean into you look you in the eye extend my hand and say hi i'm dan o'connor what's your name the whole time the head is nodding forward when you do that remember it sends a message that's louder than


Anything you could possibly say because when you tilt your head to the side just as a dog might that sends a message that we have already learned to interpret instinctively we are born with the ability to interpret body language in most cases you don't have to learn how so if i walk up to somebody and i'm doing that as i say hi i'm so and so what's your name


I'm sending a message of confidence power but it's a very simple how do you do so i'm not being aggressive or putting people off and when i extend my hand as i do that and i make physical contact remember that when you touch other people that is going to release a little bit of serotonin oxytocin in the other person's brain


Simply holding their hand then when i couple that with the message that i'm sending with the head nod forward and i've they've already seen me walk up confidently with my shoulders back and my chest out and i use my power tone when i say hi i'm dan o'connor what's your name remember that your power tone to summarize you can find by simply saying so do that go and that vibration that you do when you


Say look down at your at your lap okay and say and now as you say lift your chin up okay now if the went away as you did that you know a lot of people will be like because they can't sustain the practice because the more you can sustain that it builds up the muscles that you need to vibrate


Which will project what would be considered to be your power tone if you do that you project it with the tone you project it with your body language you nod your head and you project it with your words because remember mark zuckerberg is a pretty famous guy i'm not saying whether he's good or he's bad i don't have an opinion he's the first name that came to mind well steve jobs was the first name but


I'm gonna let him rest in peace today mark zuckerberg is the second one that came to mind most people know who he is you know he's the what is it ceo of facebook or the owner president i'm not sure he's the facebook guy could you imagine him walking up to someone and saying hi my name's mark my name's mark zuckerberg of course not because he he's more than a name and when we


Believe ourselves to be self-actualized or when we believe that we have arrived when we believe that we are players and we believe that we belong someplace and we have the right to be there by nature of who we are i'm more than a name i have done something with my name and now i have become dan o'connor i'm dan o'connor all of those things are summarized in the phrase i'm dan o'connor


Well you'd use your name but if you cup if you you know take all those things and bundle them together that one thing hi i'm dan o'connor what's your name will blow people away when you're the one who can do that you know so if you have somebody new in your department and people are like oh who's the new guy who's the new girl if you are the one who can say just a


Minute i'll find out you walk over hi i'm dan what's your name they will be blown away i can't tell you how many people have come up to me thank you dad my dad specifically instilled this one trait in me i mean many traits but this one thank you dad he taught me how to walk up to people because i hated it so much he made me do it over and over again he taught me how to walk up to people and say


Hi i'm dan o'connor what's your name i can't tell you how many people from where i have worked have told me years later i can't tell you how grateful i am the first for the first day that i met you i was new in the company i was all by myself and you walked up to me and greeted me and made me feel welcome that meant a lot and those people and i still share bonds because of that


First moment make them count that's how to do it simple right so practice that remember hi i'm so-and-so extending your hand head tilt forward direct eye contact shoulders back you can't go wrong especially when you also use your power tone okay but now let's move into what are called lead in lines leading lines are specific phrases that you use to begin


Conversations to begin a chat to begin making small talk to get the first words out of your mouth it's so easy to get words out of your mouth when you can get the first words out of your mouth you know get the ball rolling so to speak and the good news is when you're making small talk or having conversations or socializing there are only three lead-in lines that you need


Just three to become a master communicator and to be able to communicate in any situation with any person about anything are you ready before i get them to you study the different interviewers of the day if you get a chance to watch people i don't even know who they are these days in my day it used to be larry king oprah winfrey


Those are the two i would what ellen degeneres is i think one of the queens of today when you study people who are highly paid highly coveted powerful communicators communicate with other people when you study them doing that what you will find is these are the three phrases they use all the time over and over again are you ready


Number one how do you feel about number two what do you think about and number three tell me about so repeat these out loud after me number one how do you feel about say that out loud how do you feel about say it again how do you feel about say that again how do you feel about now say this what do you think about say it again


What do you think about say it again what do you think about now one more time what do you think about and now say tell me about say it again tell me about one more time tell me about okay now that seems simple right but here's the thing there are so many things that we will do on an unconscious level that other people will pick up on a subconscious level that send messages that we are not


Comfortable in this situation and if we are communicating with somebody what that means is i am not comfortable with you and if someone is sending you a message even if you're interpreting that message on a subconscious level that says i'm not comfortable communicating with you it is very difficult to then be comfortable communicating with them especially if


They don't know you especially if you don't know them and they're the ones who initiated the conversation a recipe for disaster but it's just like when you learn a new language when you learn a new language your accent is very difficult to put aside or overcome get over it's very difficult because the language is new when you're learning new communication skills it's as if


A lot of us still have an accent and even if like even if english is your native tongue saying new things in english doing new things in english we will it is as if some of us have an accent as we do it it sounds awkward as we do it how do we get over that you practice it over and over and over again so what i'd like you to do is practice going through the day find


Three different times today tomorrow and the next day to say to people tell me about and then finish the sentence tell me about when you met dad how do you feel about living in mexico what do you think about the new administration when you ask people what do you think about you are activating the right hand side of their brain excuse me the left-hand side of their


Brain when you ask people how do you feel about you're activating the right hand side of the brain when you ask people what do you think about and how do you feel about questions you're activating both sides of the brain you're making sure that whether they are more of a feeler or a thinker you're speaking to that part of them


And you're using the savviest lines of all time if you're the one who simply holds his own or her own in a conversation by saying what do you think about this how do you feel about that tell me more about that if you simply say that over and over again and walk away from a conversation having said nothing but that people will think you are fascinating and


An exceptional conversationalist very skilled because you know how to listen to people get them to open up and let them know i'm interested in learning about you i care about you i want to know about you you will be one of the few people they will ever meet who's able to do that if you can do it so practice it you know when you meet somebody at a convention


Remember there's a big difference between open-ended questions and closed-ended questions open-ended questions are designed to open the lines of conversation and they open people up closed-ended questions are designed to close the conversation and shut people down you'll see people having these awkward conversations because they're asking questions that are designed to close the other person


Down so they keep shooting them out and turns out to be like a you know a game of 20 questions and people feel instead of like you're talking with them and having a conversation they feel badgered jorge did i say that out loud but instead look at the difference between these two questions where do you work when somebody asks you where do you work


What do you want to say oh what do you do where are you from now compare those with so tell me about what you do so tell me about where you work huh tell me about where you're from really and what do you think about that how did you feel about that when you first found out what did you do about that wow that must have really been something


You can talk all day saying just those things remember that but now let's say we've got the conversation started you know when you ask the average person instead of so what do you do or where do you work or where are you from if you were to ask the average person so tell me about where you're from or tell me about what you do you will notice that most people will


Start with well and they'll have to all of a sudden think about what it is that they do or where it is that they work where it is that they're from they know the answer to all of those questions but they're not used to having people ask them that they're not used to anybody taking an interest into who they are where they're from what they do


And it's a totally different ball game when you simply know how to say so tell me about where you're from tell me about what you do tell me about who you are is what you're really saying okay so once we have that simple lead in lines you have your greeting you said hello let's talk about using names okay when you use somebody's name when you


First meet them three times it is as if you are a snake charmer and they are the cobra you're going to charm them well their garden snake let's just say that remember that the sound of our own name is one of the sweetest sounds to our brain when we hear it it releases a little drop of positive chemicals in our body when someone uses our name


Let's say that i just met somebody her name is shelley you know hi i'm dan what's your name shelly it's nice to meet you shelly tell me shelley what do you think about the conference so far what i just did was use that person's name three times and three times is a charm on so many different levels number one those were all three of them


Were appropriate times to use their name some people you will notice overuse other people's names trying to somehow because they just you know heard it in a course and they they're trying to use it to kind of ingratiate themselves with another person but when it's not appropriate it seems awkward and then it stands out and people notice something doesn't smell right here and


They get suspicious about you but when you meet somebody and they say my name's shelley and you say hi shelly i'm dan nice to meet you shelly those two times totally appropriate and normal now i'm gonna ask you a question tell me shelley what do you think about this conference so far now i don't have to worry about using the person's name because i've done it enough


Where i have created a bond they heard it i created positive chemicals that they are experiencing when around me and i have dramatically increased the likelihood that i will remember that person's name because i've used it three times when you use somebody's name with them when you first meet them three times three times is a magic number in so many different ways but remember to


Use somebody's name three times hi person's name i'm hi so-and-so i'm dan nice to meet you so-and-so tell me so and so what do you think about that's all you need to do now i've done it three times easy breezy so then i'm going to move right along now by the way there are certain tricks that you can use if you struggle with remembering names


Remember that's something that's just that remember that that is just like any other skill you can learn to remember people's names you can learn to remember a hundred people that you just met at a conference you can learn to remember their names with the right tools i don't have the time in this or the tools to give you right now but i'm going to be adding that soon difficult conversation obstacles that we need to


Overcome such as remembering names so remember if you are a vip member that will be coming out and that will be free to you if you're not a vip member become one and you will see that in our upcoming courses i think in 2020 i'm forgetting what year it is and remember when you are first meeting people we already talked about body language for the intro but when you're meeting


Somebody for the first time remember they don't know if you slouch you know if you're more of a sloucher by nature they don't know that about you you just met them remember ramrod straight keep your back straight up shoulders back chest up the whole time that you're speaking to them keep your head forward the only time you want to tilt your head to the side is if you're asking


A question like tell me about that that's interesting or if you're sympathizing that's too bad otherwise keep everything as if there's somebody pulling on a cord pulling you right up to the sky because that is attractive not in the sense like ooh you're sexy but it's an attractive quality people want to be with and communicate with people who


Appear to be confident and self-assured and even if you're not sometimes we gotta fake it till we make it and it's kind of like did you know that people who get botox are less angry than people who don't did you know why because if you're not able to make the angry face that you sometimes can't make depending on the type of angry face when you are botoxed up your body


Doesn't think you're so sad because our outside is affected by our inside you know what is going on on the inside comes out on the outside but sometimes we forget that that connection works both ways you can alter what's going on on the outside and it will alter what's going on on the inside if you just walk around smiling you'll feel happier by the end of the day


If you just walk around scowling you'll be angrier by the end of the day and if you zap all that off with a good fix of botox you can be totally emotionless by the time 2020 hits imagine that and 75 percent of users don't have any more migraines so you might be able to get it included in your plan having said that the most important body language is when you're meeting somebody new and


You're having conversation with them shoulders back chest up face them you know what i mean face them that's one of the keys a lot of people when they first meet people don't realize that our we communicate from the tip of our head to the top from the tip of our head to the tip of our toes and when you're meeting somebody especially for the first time if you are at a table and you shift so that you


Are facing them even more than if you were not to shift you know if there's any possible way to give somebody more of your attention and lean in more to them do that because there aren't many people number one who care to do that anymore or who would know how to do that if they cared to do that look at maggie is really getting into


This hey megs everybody say hi to my eggs hey meg oh you can't see it right i apologize baby you're getting blurred out because you were stealing all my spotlight that's the way it is those dogs oh i think they're so great conversation or a relationship has gone astray and you want to help steer it back you know back


On track those types of things you do using navigational phrases you know we find ourselves without words sometimes because we just don't know what to say to you know remedy this conversation what would you say if a train went off tracks well that's a little bit different what would you say if you are the co-pilot in a car that started to go off its path that started to go the


Wrong way those same phrases that you would use to help people navigate literally you would use to help people navigate figuratively in a conversation you know phrases such as we need to stop back up turn around we've gone off track we might be a little bit lost we might have gone astray if you can use the types of phrases that you would use when navigating


Those are called navigational phrases and they work magic in conversations you know have you ever been in a conversation or seen people talking to each other and you know it's getting a little bit off track and one of them has the where with all the tools to say excuse me i believe this conversation may have taken an unfortunate turn and i think that it's time for us to stop


And regroup a little bit so that we can get ourselves back on track what do you think about that and you're like oh my gosh they are the safest communicator i've ever seen they're using navigational braces i think it might be time to stop here we might need to get our direction back we might need to refocus a little bit we've taken a wrong turn we've we've gone off path so why don't we stop here pause back up


And i'll see you back here in five minutes once we've all had an opportunity to regroup you know when you can say to somebody you know what i believe i might have taken this conversation down an unfortunate path so let me stop back up and redirect what about those bears you know when you can do that you know i believe


We may have taken an unfortunate turn in this conversation so what do you say we stop back up a little bit and talk about that awesome conference we just came from what do you think about that dan o'connor huh um you know if if you can do that those are called navigational phrases and i put a list of them in your flash cards again practice using them instead of using


Common phrases by common communicators that say things like okay changing the subject you know or let's let's change the subject don't do that you know instead so what do you say we back up a little bit and or you know i think we may have taken an unfortunate turn what do you say we stop here and and why don't we make a u-turn and get get this conversation back on track how about those bears use those phrases


You will be seen as a more savvy communicator and it helps people when we hear phrases that we're used to and we know what to do with them people are much more likely to do it we like taking instructions when we are confident what the steps are that we're taking you know when i'm driving on the street and my phone says to me


Stay left at the fork i do that in 600 meters make a u-turn i like doing that in 350 in 300 meters take a right i like doing that because i've heard those instructions before i know that i tend to end up where i'd like to go they're easy i'm confident i'll do it same goes for life if we've heard instructions many times that we're used to following


And good things tend to happen we get to where we want to go at the end people are more likely to follow those instructions so don't say things like can we change the subject or yeah i'm not comfortable talking about that instead navigate conversations using navigational phrases in establishing common ground this is a trick of master communicators my grandfather was a master at doing this


If you're talking with somebody who's let's say a nega-holic and they're you know saying oh i hated that conference we just came from the speaker was so boring i mean i just about fell asleep in my chair and you don't want to connect with any of that negativity which you don't want to do connect with what you can establish common ground you know if


Somebody were saying oh these conferences are just so useless you know i just when i come to them all i do is use them as extra nap time you know i do love extra naps and it seems like every year of my life i want to take more naps so i know exactly what you mean grab onto one thing that you can and agree with it like my father god bless him he we did not see things


The same way in different areas in life but i loved talking with him because he honored me and respected me no matter what we were talking about and we used to talk about we'll just say let's just say trump let's just you know well i'll go on a limb and we'll pretend that we were talking about trump you know when he would say things like trump is anointed by god


You know he was put in the presidency to save us all to save this nation you know from the toilets that we were all spiraling down as a nation and i'd be like i can't find much there to agree with you know i can't i i'm not anti-anything but i would not say that any of our political leaders that i can see in office today were anointed by god and that's why they're there maybe they


Were and i'm open to being wrong but i certainly can agree that this country needs a lot of help and if you can do that no matter what somebody says if you can say to them well i i have to agree that and you pluck out something either that they said or related to what they said and find that common ground you know if somebody says to you oh what can i what can we what can i find something not to agree with


I don't know anything about football but i know that my dad was watching a patriots game recently and so if he were to say to me you know those patriots they are the best football team of all time there's no team either before or after that will ever be as good as the patriots i wouldn't even know where to go because i don't know who the patriots are where they're from what their colors are with


Their team i don't know i've never watched a football game in its entirety how am i supposed to find common ground there for example i could say it really feels good when you can find something that you feel as though you're a part of the first time you're a part of it right and he'd say yeah yeah because he just started watching the patriots games with my stepfather jim and from the first time jim felt like he


Had a pal you know in the sports fan box that he now sat in with my dad watching the patriots games and it's nice when you can find something like that and feel like you belong when you're watching the very first game isn't it when you can find that common ground you know and say boy i can relate to that part remember that when you make a statement


And you have a tag after it wasn't it don't you think wouldn't you agree aren't you that is a very powerful thing to do in a conversation yeah i can relate to that feeling of you know even though you just began watching patriot games feeling like you always have watched them because they took you in and made you feel like you were part of their team


Right you can say that at the end right isn't that what it's like wouldn't you agree can you relate those little tags get people connected with you and increases the likelihood that they will say yes as they're talking with you and that's a good thing in so many different ways which we can't get into now use tag questions when you're establishing common ground and relating


To people easy breezy can't go wrong super powerful and remember to practice goat hiding to practice goat hiding means you know these days there are a lot of people who are trying to get us a little bit heated in a conversation even when we first meet them there's a lot of anger today in society in communication and a lot of people will say things


During conversations because they are angry and they want someone to either side with them or fight with them you know that's what they want they want to either find a teammate or fight with the enemy it's not a good idea during initial conversations to do either one of those things even if you would be on their team don't join an aggressive angry team


The first time you speak with that team and don't fight with an angry aggressive person the first time you speak with them instead practice goat hiding you know if somebody were to say to me mexico why would you live there is which they do many times and say things like huh that's why we're building a wall to keep mexicans out and you're going there why would you do that i want a number one


Establish common ground and number two practice goat hiding i want to let that person know you can try to get my goat but you're not going to be able to because i won't even show you where it is that's goat hiding you know i could say to them something like you know i agree immigration has been such a problem in not just the government but in our country it's really been tearing people apart


These few years and i'm with you i hope we find a solution for that soon by the way did you see that last speaker in today's conference dan o'connor oh my gosh she was so good don't you think now when you can do that you know when you can say to somebody oh i agree immigration is a huge problem they will think that you're on their team but you didn't say so


And you know i wouldn't really be on that team you know because i'm not really into those angry teams but when you can tell somebody i agree and then grab one part of what they say and agree with it and then at the end use the transitional phrase to transition to another subject we'll be getting into that master master communication skills easy breezy and they're simple i'm still only using a few lines over and over and


Over again but when you can do that when you can tell somebody you know i agree i'm going to pluck out one part of what you're saying and then agree with that it's a huge problem by the way what did you think about remember a by the way phrase fantastic transitional phrase from anything to anything we'll get into that remember that the savvy communicator knows how to read and respond to body


Language you'll find a lot of people will study body language and what it means but they don't study what to do when they recognize a signal that somebody's sending them so let's talk about body language signals and what to do when you recognize them you ready i'm going to give you three of the most common body language signals to watch for these are going to be what


They call tells tells are body language signals that people send that you can interpret to uncover what they're really feeling all right number one the next scratch remember that when somebody scratches his or her neck when they're talking to you we tend to do this naturally when we are confused about what's going on we don't exactly


Know what the person's saying we're not understanding everything so when you see somebody do that remember that that means for you it's time to slow down maybe repeat what you said in a different way maybe explain a little bit more about whatever it is that you're trying to convey and when you take the time to do that when you recognize that somebody's


Not really understanding what you're saying therefore you stop and explain give a little more information and help them understand what you're saying that is going to serve you well along with when somebody does this you know if you're talking with somebody and they close down you know they start to cross their arms meaning i'm closing down to you that is okay if this is a social gathering and


Somebody's crossing their arms that means i'm done talking to you this conversation i wish were over therefore the savvy communicator will use an exit line at that point to gracefully find another place to go or someone else to talk to because if that person is simply shy and feeling uncomfortable in the conversation but they want to continue talking to you


They will seek you out and there's nothing wrong with that there's nothing wrong with recognizing you know for whatever reason it may be they're wanting to stop or shut down this conversation so i'm going to help them do that if you can do that if you recognize the signs that people are done talking and at that point make your exit people will be more likely to want to talk to you in the


Future because they will know you know when i'm done talking to them they am scray and the final body language tip that i wanted to give you is when you notice that somebody is touching you you know like if you're in a social setting and you're talking with somebody and you want to make a connection and all of a sudden you notice that as they're talking to you they touch you


On the arm they touch you on the back of the arm they they touch your shoulder they make contact with you there's no mistaking that one that means they're trying to make a connection with you therefore that's your cue remember if you want to make a connection with them it's time for you to touch them back but the three safe zones remember especially


If you're in a professional setting if you're in a professional setting the three safe zones where you can still touch people you know not totally get sued and lose are going to be the back of the arm the shoulder and the elbow now you can't caress people up and down there you know but you can give somebody a quick tap you know it was nice talking with you


You know what i found and as you do that you tap them you tap them if you can do that after they touch you first or tap you first you will help make that connection that they're obviously trying to make by touching you and what happens when we want to stay engaged in a conversation let's say that we're at a round table or we're in a conversation of more than one person or somebody


Disagrees with what we say or challenges what we say and we're at a loss for words it's our turn to speak we should be speaking we should be contributing but we don't know exactly what to say how can we stay in a conversation when we can't find the words because maybe we're nervous maybe we're not able to recall what it is that we wanted to say right away how can we do that let me give you two


Tips number one tip is i love this tip because it came from mary kay cosmetics and i love i love phrases that can transform an entire industry or business and this one phrase the feel felt found transformed mary kay overnight if you read her autobiography and business story she talks a lot about the feel felt found because what happened was


She had all of these new sales people mostly women going out into the market and for the first time in their life having to respond to people keeping engaged not missing a beat and at the same time overcome the objections that people are saying that was a tough road aho so what she did was she gave everybody what is now known to be the feel felt found


The feel felt found takes different psychological concepts and puts them into words that we can easily use in a variety of different circumstances for example one of the concepts is when somebody says something challenging to what you say they disagree with you they object to what it is that you're saying or they say something that you now need to


Respond to and you can't really find the words validate what they say first because if you validate what somebody says it's going to increase the likelihood that if they are objecting to you you can overcome that objection now it's not going to guarantee it it increases the likelihood also if you need to respond but can't find the words simply validating what somebody says


Buys you a moment in time that's the feel i can appreciate why you would feel that way i can understand why you might feel that way you do not need to use the word feel you could say something along the lines of i understand why you would think that i can appreciate why you would say that something along those lines but remember not to use the danger phrase oh i know just how you feel because when


You say i know just how you feel remember that the other person is going to either think or say most likely no you don't and now we've blown it you get the gong better luck next time number two part number two when you're buying some time and responding maybe overcoming objections is going to be the felt the felt is going to be when you're letting somebody know hey


I've been there other people have been there i know some people who were there yesterday i was just there this afternoon you know when you're letting somebody know you are not alone in the darkness you're in the dark because you're not agreeing with me or you're somehow challenging me but you're not alone i have known others who have been in the dark and i have brought them to the light just like i'm about to bring you to the


Light but you don't know that yet because we're still at the felt that's the felt i'm letting you know hey you're not alone other people have shared in your sentiment and somehow i'm going to wrap that into words that make sense in this situation but you don't remember you do not need to use the word felt the feel felt found you could use in a very literal way you


Could simply say as politicians do if you notice this in the political season they'll say things such as well i can sure appreciate why my opponent would feel that way and maybe some of the viewers who are watching this at home tonight have felt the same way in the past however i have not found that to be a viable solution and let me tell you why and the whole time they're saying that


You know i can appreciate why you feel that way those have felt the same when the password what i have found is all they're doing is thinking what are my talking points what am i supposed to be saying but they're rattling off some words to keep in the conversation to keep from losing their place at the table so remember if you find yourself in a situation where you know it's a it's a


Quick draw people are throwing out ideas and responding really quickly and you need to save your place you need to make sure that you are engaged or you might lose your place have strategies such as the field files found others have felt the same way in the past maybe some of our viewers watching this at home felt the same way in the past


Many of the customers that i spoke to also thought that you know i remember a time when i felt the same way then finally once you've done those two things then you can respond then i can tell you what it was that i was here to tell you to begin with then i can give you what i think would overcome your objection now i may have planned all of this in advance you know i might have thought in advance


If i say this they might say that therefore i'm going to have this ready that's what a smart communicator does you know you you think about the objections that people might have in advance to whatever it is that you're saying and you plan for them but it's not easy remember these are the things that you want to practice using flash cards for so that when the opportunities arise


You're ready you don't want to practice these or use them the first time in a high risk situation you know what i mean i have found that it works for me and i believe that if you can just give it a chance it'll work for you too that's what i would call a duct tape closing line for the field felt found you know if i were to say you know so where do you go to school oh i go to


Penn state oh i go to und und isn't that the cow college well i can understand why you might think it's the cow college and many of the people who i've talked to who haven't been there or don't know anybody from und think that really all we have out there is grass but i think that if you were to come and visit


And of course i hope you know that mikasa is tsukasa and you can visit any time you'll find that there are a lot of interesting relevant really forward-thinking careers that we're studying so if you ever think about studying something like horticulture which is by the way one of the top careers of the future according to the forbes 500 list you know where to go i can help you out


There feel felt found i can appreciate why you would think that a lot of the people who i've met felt the same way however i found that their particular college and curriculum works for me and think it'll work for you too if you can just give it a chance you know remember feel felt found i'm at a business meeting and i say well you know i believe that this idea would work for us because xyz


I don't think that'll work it'll cost you much money on time well i can understand why you might think that it would cost us a lot of time and money in fact i bet a lot of the other people in this room are thinking the same thing how could we possibly fit that into our budget and find the time for it but i believe that if you can just give me a chance to


Explain these numbers you will find that it'll work for us just like it's worked for other businesses and if i can show you the specifics of how we can do that would you then be willing to consider my idea you know all i did there was i gave you the feel felt found coupled with the if you can just give me a chance and then at the end i slid in a solution focused question remember the solution focus question is


Well i can understand why you might object to what i just said but if i can show you how what i just said actually makes sense would you be willing to give it a chance if i can show you how that'll work for us just like it's worked for others would you then be willing to give me a chance and go ahead with my proposal if i can show you how it would actually save us money and save us time


Would you then be willing to give my idea a chance you know if i could show you how one date with me would change your life for the better would you then be willing to answer my call when i call you tonight at 11 o'clock if you can say things like that it takes a very unreasonable person to say no no i won't you know so remember the clarifying question if i


Can show you this would you be willing to give me that and the last thing i wanted to throw out if you don't have words but you know you want to keep in this conversation is piggybacking remember piggybacking can save you and help you keep engaged in a conversation help you be relevant you know show that you are a player you're in you're paying attention you're involved


Even if you can't think of anything to contribute to a conversation whether you're in a social setting or a business setting you can always piggyback off what other people say there's a key to piggybacking you know if somebody has a good idea well you know joan i believe that we could save a lot of money around here if we just switched to fingerprints rather than time cards and the conversation is coming to a


Close and i think oh boy i haven't contributed anything and i don't want people to think i'm irrelevant or invisible so i want to contribute but i don't know what to say piggyback piggybacking when you do it the right way sounds like this wait first i want to remind you whoever tends to speak last on any subject tends to own that subject in the minds


Of those listening but the one who came up with the idea in the first place is going to get annoyed if you simply steal their ideas so if you're going to piggyback here's how you can do it without aggravating somebody and making them think that you're stealing their ideas and do it with suave fair you ready use the person's name who originally said it for example yeah before we go i wanted to say john i


Really liked your idea about switching to fingerprints rather than time cards now i've just used his name and he's happy alone because he thinks oh he's buttressing what i just said and he's supporting me so why wouldn't i be happy but i'm the last one who's going to talk on him so people are going to connect it more with me but what i want to do what i'm piggybacking is instead of saying


Something generic like that's a great idea yeah i think we should do that or even let's say that i were going to say you know i'm concerned that that might not be the best route for us to take whatever you're saying whether something's good or bad the key to piggybacking is being specific so instead of saying i think that's a great idea you know switching to


Fingerprinting rather than time cards why why is something good or why is something bad state it at that point you know use adjective phrases or adjectives that clarify why you believe that it's a good idea such as i think that is an extremely cost effective solution for this business knowing how many employees we have and how much we spend on time cards and then checking up and verifying them


When one fingerprint machine could do all of that work for us time-saving cost-effective fantastic idea now people are going to think wow that dan really really pays attention you know and the guy will think he supported me 100 i love him and i'm the one who now owns the idea you know that's the same with if i'm


Gonna be saying i don't think that's a good idea for us you know i don't think it's a good solution for our company if i'm disagreeing with somebody a phrase such as it's difficult for me to see is much better than i disagree because i disagree causes the negative chemical reaction in our body when somebody hears us say it to them or about their idea


Instead if we talk about something like this you know it's difficult for me to see how that would be a cost-effective solution for this company seeing how we only have two people and both of us are right here in the meeting and neither one of us signed in to begin with that makes it difficult for me to see how investing in a machine like that is going to pay off in the end


Just saying you know i wouldn't have you i'm just saying bart but but remember that when you're saying something is not a good idea or it is a good idea you know i'm not sure i'm 100 on board i can't see the cost savings i find it difficult to see how that is a customer focused solution for us i'm seeing a lot of customer dissatisfaction if we go that route or you know let's say that somebody is


Going back to the the cow college und i'm i'm from north dakota my whole family went to und but me let's say that somebody were to say you go to und don't they just study things like manure there i could say something such as well i can understand why you might see that however i believe that if you took a good look at north dakota you would see how it is in terms of agriculture an academically


Superior school to almost any other in the region and that's important when you consider that horticulture and agriculture are going to be in the top five careers in the year 2030 according to the forbes 500 list so if you're looking for cutting-edge training for tomorrow's jobs und is actually the way to go wouldn't you think so remember simple strategies like that


Like the piggybacking the feel felt found and knowing how to read people in conversations and what to do after that that can help you keep engaged and relevant in any conversation with anybody it's all about knowing how to read signs and knowing what to say at the right moment and now that you have the right words at the right time let's move right along remember one of the most important rules


Of conversation for someone who is a savvy polished communicator is keeping it positive in every way instead of saying hey don't forget this say remember this instead of saying don't sit there sit there instead of saying don't think that think this that's one way of being positive but above all else


You will note that there are a lot of nega-holics out there do not jump on their negativity train you know if you meet somebody for the first time and they start to say negative things do not start with the negativity if they say oh i just hate this and that don't you you don't have to say yes you could always say well i think that last speaker was awesome i mean did you see him dan


O'connor oh he was just fantastic don't you think don't get on somebody's negativity train ever if you do you will be doomed because it tends to become a pattern the more patterns we start to create in our conversations the more we fall into those patterns over and over and over and over and over again and the more difficult they are to break do not get into a negative pattern of conversation


And if you are get out of it as fast as you can and break them using these rules start recognizing where you can use skills in conversation and one of the biggest skills that we can develop is ditching the negativity number two avoid the taboo you know things like if somebody starts to bring up religion politics abortion the latest change in the office structure whatever it may be something


That's a hot topic made to kind of get people riled up remember you could use a simple transitional phrase like well i don't know anything about that but i do know about that last speaker dan o'connor did you see him he was great don't you think you can always transition away from taboo subjects if you believe something is taboo then that means you don't talk about it


If you're not sure assume that it is and transition away from it using a simple phrase like i don't know about that but i do know about dinner connor training it's the best don't you think and remember bringing others in one thing that you can do that some people don't do enough of is talk about other people in a positive way there is almost nothing that will


Ingratiate you with other people meaning that will get other people to like you more than you talking about other people in a positive way even if they don't if you're somebody who when someone talks to you you say oh you work with jean i really admire her i like the way that she talks to people and treats everybody with fairness i've seen her do it when no


One's looking you know no one else but the other person and she's always fair and honest with everybody and i can't tell you how much i admire that so you're pretty lucky to work with her don't you think you know or you work with john i love the way he dresses i wish i had the ability to coordinate clothes and the confidence to pull them off the way he does


Makes me jealous i like him when you can simply talk in a positive way about other people especially if they don't the more you talk about other people in a positive way the more people will like you because they will think you're really cool with other people even when they're not around i bet you'll be cool with me like that too and when other people are talking gossip


You know or negativity about other people if you just keep it zipped and are known as the person who does not engage in that or who really tries not to people will appreciate that and they will they will like you and they will want to talk to you more and now we're going to talk about making your exit making your exit is so stressful for so many people and i i always tell them


As long as you have these tools it will not be transitional phrases exit lines and the surprise pec transitional phrases are going to be phrases that connect anything that somebody's saying with anything else when i need to transition away from this conversation to my exit or away from this conversation to another conversation there are two transitional phrases that


You can use for anything number one that reminds me say that out loud that reminds me number two by the way say that out loud by the way those two phrases will connect any two thoughts that might seem unconnected with one another simple like i said i'm at a butcher's convention and i want to end the conversation and call my mother so what kind of meats do you serve at


Your butcher shop oh you're a pork based butcher are you a hogger oh that wait that reminds me i need to call my mother it was nice meeting you enjoy the rest of the convention you know if i need to connect to ideas you do not need no mom i apologize there does not need to be a logical connection because no one will ever ask you how did me talking about that remind you of that


But if they do all you need to say is well the mind is a mysterious thing by the way i need to call my mother simple by the way that reminds me easy did you enjoy that last talk i did too i thought it was great oh that reminds me i have to get running so enjoy the rest of the convention and i hope to see you around sometime goodbye simple remember by the way that reminds me that's how you stop somebody from


Talking and transition away to anything else you know let's say that you wanted to simply change the subject you think that trump is anointed by god huh by the way what do you think about brexit i mean that's really a complicated issue don't you think let's talk about that and get off of this subject you know anything that somebody says


Really that reminds me really by the way transition exit lines exit lines are simple remember you do not owe anybody an explanation ever you do not need to explain to people i have something else to do i have somewhere else to go i have someone else to talk to i have work to do i have to be somewhere i have a schedule you do not need to say that and those who


Have other things to do or people to talk to places to go people to see do not explain it those who are making it up a lot tend to say it you know so when you're at a you know convention you're meeting somebody new you're at a social event and it's time to walk away exit lines are going to be things such as enjoy the rest of the evening it was nice meeting you i hope to talk


To you again that's it period so get used to on the flash cards again i made you a list of exit lines when you deliver an exit line that is saying therefore i'm going because i have something to do you don't need to verbalize that you know really you've been a hogger for 15 years that reminds me john enjoy the rest of the conference and i hope to see you soon it was


Great talking to you by the way i hope your nephew enjoys the shoes we'll get to that in a minute you know you're at a social event really that is fascinating and you know what i hope that i can talk to you again before the night is out it was a real pleasure again my name is dan enjoy the rest of the evening walking away okay do not say goodbye


The most effective communicators leave us hanging a little bit to do that in a conversation when it's time to go when you feel like i'm on a high note because we want to leave when things are going well not after five minutes of awkward silence or you know chit-chat where you really don't want to make it when things are going well and you think boy this was a great conversation up till now


End it you know it was really nice talking with you i hope you enjoy the rest of the conference you got my number you know simple gosh it's a pleasure talking to you i'm so glad that we met i hope to talk to you again before the night is out enjoy the rest of your evening goodbye you know you don't need to say goodbye that's what exit lines do practice saying them when you're done


Saying them you walk away that's how simple it is now remember the surprise pec is when you're about to leave this is this is going to get them you take one thing that the person revealed to you and you feed it back to them you know like let's say that they told you oh yeah i came here five years ago with my mom really do used to live with your mother yes her name's


Mildred yeah she takes care of me and i love her you know doesn't matter that i'm 45 now i'm still living with mildred on your way out when you can take something that they told you that you have put in your back pocket as a secret weapon and you say something like it was a pleasure talking with you and i hope to get the chance again before the night's out so


Enjoy the rest of your night oh by the way give my best to mildred she sounds like a gem they'll be like oh my goodness you know if you went to a conference and people said you know i it's kind of difficult being a butcher because you know i'm a vegan and all you know after you say wow that is fascinating you know it was great talking with you and i hope that you enjoy the rest of


The conference and the rest of the speakers oh by the way next month there's a vegan conference coming up and i hope to see you there too have a great day people will pass out at your skills and all of those together those are very simple things all you have learned so far are some leading lines to help you start conversations


Simple phrases to help keep them going some rules and how to make your exit you know we talked about things like lead in lines transitional phrases exit phrases navigational phrases and with just those few skills if you practice them just like that you will be able to walk into any room talk to anyone about anything and using those skills


People will think that you are a savvy polished communicator you will blow people away with your skills because you practiced so remember practice makes power practice these and you will feel the power and the confidence to have a conversation in any situation with anyone so thank you for making me a part of this journey with you let me know how it


Goes send me your letters if you haven't yet gotten a vip pass make sure to get it because then you can enjoy all of these courses for the rest of eternity so for everyone here at downer counter training including maggie who appears to be very comfortable this is dan o'connor signing off know what to say