free video training on body language and other visual tactics

free video training on Verbal Tactics, Visual Tactics That Enhance Effective Communication Skills

A Primer on Verbal Tactics, Visual Tactics (including Body Language) that can make you a more effective communicator

Verbal Tactics, Visual Tactics:  One of the several visual communication skills tactics that Dan discusses: The Power Projector.

The Power Projector is an exercise that will help you get ready for any important meeting where you must be seen as a strong, powerful communicator.  First of all, you should know that your posture sends a message to those around you--not just on the conscious level, but also on a subconscious and biological level.  If you stand with shoulders slouched, head turned to the side, arms hanging at your side--this sends a message of passivity and that message is read by the viewer on many levels.  So if you want your message to be one of strength, effectiveness and power--STAND LIKE IT.  Stand with your shoulders back, chest out, head straight (rather than with a tilt) and forward looking.  And to prepare for doing this, you employ the Power Projector.

A few minutes before your meeting, go to a private room and stand with your feet apart, your arms outstretched, palms forward.  You are essentially making an X with your body.  Hold that position for 2-3 minutes, preferably 3.  This will raise your testosterone levels and lower your cortisol levels (yes, this is for women too), and will make you FEEL more confident and powerful.  And when you feel confident and powerful, that message is picked up by others on a conscious, subconscious, and biochemical level.  When you go into that meeting, you now have an advantage that you didn't have before.  After practicing the exercise, assume the power position (shoulders back, chest out, eyes forward, head straight) whether sitting or standing, and you'll exude strength that others will immediately see and feel.

Verbal Tactics, Visual Tactics: Two of the several verbal tactics that Dan discusses: Danger and Power Phrases

Replace "I have an idea" with . . .  and replace "love you" with . . . .    To find out the power phrases that should be used to replace those weak danger phrases--just watch the video!  You'll learn these power phrases and so much more relating to verbal and visual tactics that you can employ to become a savvy, successful communicator.  Effective communication skills are learned and developed; we aren't born with them. That's Dan's goal--to help people develop their communication skills so that the world and everyone in it will be made better, richer, more peaceful, more compassionate, more mindful and more loving--one communicator at a time.


Video Transcript:

It states we are all trained to look people in the eye when we talk with them right however our brains have been programmed for thousands of years to interpret body language a certain way and one of the ways we interpret people looking into our eyes is we perceive that as a sign of aggression if they hold that glance for more than seven seconds so remember eye contact is good too much eye contact


Is bad people will perceive you as aggressive you know it's just like if you have dogs you can see my dog buddy is joining us today by the way when you want to find out if a puppy or a dog is a more aggressive dog or a more passive dog by Nature one of the ways you can do that is by looking into their little faces and seeing if they can maintain eye contact with you because if a dog can maintain eye contact with you right in your eyes for 10 seconds let's say


That is going to be more of an aggressive dog more of a dominant dog what most dogs do with our more passive and that's what most people want they don't want an aggressive dog if you are looking into the dog's face they'll look back at you and they'll look away ever notice that how if you have a dog you'll do that you'll look right into your dog's face and they'll look up at you then they'll do this that's because they know you are in charge and if they were


To stare you down and so to speak that would be a sign of aggression a sign of dominance and they don't want to do that with you because they know that you're the one who's the dominant person in this relationship keeping that in mind it's the same thing for human beings same thing when a lot of us go into a job interview for example will happen in our brains will think okay I got to turn it all on I got to really use my polished communication skills and


Therefore when I talk to the person that's interviewing me I'm going to make sure to maintain that eye contact so we'll maintain the eye contacts the entire time and basically what that person will feel like is issues like a staredown contest and remember that if you leave that job interviewer if you leave that presentation or if you leave that meeting with the client and you stare them down the whole time they might think well I really like the


Information they presented boy they were really good at maintaining eye contact they were a very powerful communicator but you know something about him just gave me the creeps because you stared them down and that's creepy also a lot of people when we are learning or when we're practicing maintaining eye contact more a lot of times we'll maintain that eye contact and inadvertently our eyes will open up a little bit too I like this I had a


Young lady in a conference once say to me you know my boss sent me here because he says that I'm more of an aggressive personality type and I just don't know why he says that maybe you can help me out I'm not aggressive at all I'm more of a passive person by Nature and I remember talking with her including her in that yet one thing you can do is close your lips a little bit because remember that if you can see the entire iris of the eye that is also a sign of


Aggression it's also a sign of psychosis so you want to watch that and make sure that you're not opening up your eyes too wide because some of the people who are watching this right now have had people tell them you can be a little intimidating sometimes or you can come off a little harsh or aggressive and one of the things that you may be doing and probably do if you're an aggressive personality type by nature is you stare people down and your eyes are open to


Why so remember about every seven seconds when we are communicating with somebody what we want to do is just maybe look down and look back up we don't want to course stare all over the room and you want to try not to look up when somebody's talking with you or when you're communicating with somebody the way that most people will perceive it as comfortable and inviting is if you're talking with them about every 7 seconds or so if you haven't broken eye contact


Which most of us do naturally most of the time during any conversation it's natural to break eye contact what we think about stuff and that's what most people do but again some of us we don't do that so if you notice that several seconds have passed and you have not broken the eye contact just look down and look back up in the person's eyes and after about another 7 seconds remember at 10 past 10 seconds past that's too much so if you feel as though


About 7 seconds 7 to 10 seconds of pass look down and look back up and that way the person with whom you are communicating will feel that you can not only maintain eye contact but they'll feel more comfortable when communicating with you because they will not perceive you as aggressive or psychotic and that is what we call the look away you better [Music] and now I'd like to talk about a couple of danger phrases and power phrases for


Work and for home how our first danger phrases are going to be for home and the first danger phrase I'd like to give you is you are a blank er you know what I mean is we tend to label people and those labels tend to end in ER based on their shortcomings so if somebody for example lies to us many times instead of telling them you know you lied to me we'll say to them things such as you're a liar or if somebody cheats on us or cheats in a board game whatever


Instead of saying for example in a assertive straightforward manner you cheat it will say things like you're cheater and we tend to put that er label on people a lot and remember that when we label other people all we're really doing is placing those own labels on ourselves because what I give to my brother how I communicate with someone else is really in the end how I am communicating with myself and what I want to stop doing is labeling people


Because one of the things for example labeling does is if I'm communicating with my spouse and my intention is to actually overcome some challenge that we have to work through some issue between the two of us if I use labels and say you're a blank ER what happens is that speeds up their self-talk and that closes down the lines of communication remember that the average person is always speaking to him or herself at the rate of about 800 words per minute we


Don't think in abstract thoughts we talk to ourselves and if I use words that label other people I'm actually increasing self-talk which is going to make my message more difficult to get through to that person and so what I want to do is instead be more upfront assertive and clear in my communication and talk about if I feel the need to do this what people did their actions rather than making that who they are in labeling them that thing that is one of


The top things that we can do at home that immediately closes down the lines of communication between us and the person with whom we're communicating the next danger phrase I'd like to give you for home is love you and the reason I want to talk about this is whether it's your boyfriend or your girlfriend or your spouse or your significant other whoever it may be your children when we say to somebody love you were missing an opportunity I mean to be able to tell


Somebody I love you is such a gift that we are given and the more we appreciate that gift and utilize it the more that will get and furthermore remember that the words we say other people have a direct biochemical effect on them and when I say to somebody love you there's a very little biochemical effect when I say instead I love you even if it's quick okay I'll see tomorrow I love you when you use the whole phrase I love you that complete phrase it has a very


Significant biochemical effect on the person to whom we say it and so don't miss opportunities to really cultivate that part of your life being able to tell somebody I love you is a gift and we should only add to that you know we we could certainly say to somebody I want you to know I love you and I always will that's great but shortening it up as if we're not valuing the opportunity that we have to tell somebody I love you is


Like throwing away that opportunity we're not valuing it and unfortunately it tends to be that when we do not value things and we throw them away we're gonna get less of those things and I want more people in my life that I'm able to say I love you too so when you have the opportunity whether it's your spouse or your kids or whatever to tell them that you love them and that should be as much as you possibly can say it remember to use the whole phrase I love


You they will notice it whether it's on a conscious level or a subconscious level is irrelevant they will notice it on a biochemical and even a spiritual level that phrase I love you is one of the most important phrases in the entire language utilize it and relish every opportunity that you have to say it the next danger phrase I'd like to give you is for work and our first danger phrase for work is idea you might have noticed that you've gone into a


Meeting and you're talking about some challenges that you have at work and you'll say to the group well you know I have an idea and people will listen your idea you gotta and they won't really invest in your idea and then somebody else five minutes later has basically the exact same idea and all of a sudden everybody's saying oh what a wonderful idea some people are perceived as real


Problem solvers their ideas are valued and some people aren't and one of the things that we can do to make ourselves appear to be more of a problem solver someone who comes with solutions I'm the solution man is to use the right language remember that people connect us with other people who use the same verbal patterns that we use and you do not find for example powerful influential CEOs coming to the boardroom and saying I have an idea you don't find


That because they've learned to polish their speech patterns and if I change that speech pattern taking out the word idea think about what people are really looking for you know if somebody has a problem if somebody has a challenge what do they want from you you know lots of people come into work with lots of ideas you know 19 a lot of crummy ideas I don't want to be associated with people who come into work with a bunch of ideas if you have a problem or if you have a


Challenge what should I have I should have a solution an answer maybe a proposal but the difference between well I have an idea and well I the solution is night and day wouldn't you agree with that so remember when you say to somebody I have a solution I have an answer I have a proposal subconsciously the more you say that people will start to perceive you as somebody who brings solutions to the table rather than simply ideas so


Remember danger phrase idea power phrase solution answer proposal and of course just one little caveat the word idea isn't in all circumstances a danger phrase of course I can use the word ideas as much as I want to without really worrying about it until it comes to a situation in which I am trying to solve somebody's problem and I want them to believe in my ideas in those cases I want to swap out the word idea for


Solution answer or proposal simple and if you do that people will perceive you as a more powerful confident problem solver the next danger phrase I have for work is the phrase constructive criticism how many times have you heard that phrase at work and it makes your stomach churn you know this lesson we're talking a lot about different biochemical reactions and we have biochemical reactions to different words and phrases for example when somebody


Tells you that they'd like to give you some constructive criticism it makes our stomach churn most of the time and we will have a biochemical reaction to that phrase because we know that what they're really going to do is critique our work and that's fine you know if somebody's going to give us for example some feedback if somebody's going to give us a critique most of us are confident enough in our work and our abilities to be able to receive that if you're not


That's something we need to work on however if you use the wrong terminology and constructive criticism for example really isn't correct and it's rather outdated do you know what I mean it's a phrase that we might have used 15 20 years ago in a workplace in it gained popularity it is now out of style and dates your communication style and it's not really accurate when we want or are giving some feedback or some or a critique that's fine there's nothing


Wrong with that and that's the word we should use feedback very simple so scratch the word constructive criticism from your verbal repertoire at work and instead use the word feedback and people will think of you as a more trained honest and direct communicator and now I'd like to get into our dealing with difficult people strategies for the week and the first strategy that I'd like to talk about with you is called our anti interrupter I'm speaking


[Music] if you find that people interrupt you when you're speaking or if there's one special person that you find interrupting you practice this strategy and you can become overnight a master anti interrupter you know a lot of times whether it's during a debate or a conversation at home or at work people are trying deliberately to steal the floor from us whether it's to cut us off and invalidate or diminish our


Message or whether it's to make me belittle us in front of other people for example let's say that you're giving a presentation of work or if you're in a meeting and you're talking about your proposals or your answers your solutions sometimes there will be people who will try to interrupt you and steal the floor from you and if you let them do that your communication power your image as a professional communicator will form it so we should all practice the art of


Maintaining the floor when we communicate and this anti interrupter tactic is perfect it has three basic steps and it's interesting because if you watched Judge Judy Judge Judy is one of my favorite shows now you might not like Judge Judy that's fine she's not what I would call someone who communicates with tact and finesse but you cannot deny that she is a very powerful communicator and you cannot interrupt Judge Chui you cannot steal


The floor from Judge Judy it doesn't happen and she actually uses this three-step strategy remember that when somebody interrupts you you want to turn to face that person this is important face the person even if they're not facing you if they're sitting next to you you want to take at least a moment to turn towards that person as you use the strategy okay step number one make wide eyes and nod your head forward we're gonna do all three of these steps


Together but step one is wide eyes and not forward because remember those two things wide eyes as we talked about earlier in our lesson is a sign of aggression and nodding your head forward is a sign of aggression and remember that our body language is much more powerful than any words that we could speak it speaks volumes more than anything else we are doing so that body language strategy of wide eyes and tilting your head forward is step number


One and it's crew step number two is you want to use a stop gesture remember that of course the universe will stop gesture is like this and so if you want to use a simple stop gesture like that that's fine if you watched Judge Judy for example her stop just a karate chop which is super aggressive but I suggest using a simple stop gesture like that because no matter what culture you're from that is understood as stop and step number three


Is to use an anti interrupter statement there's really only two that I recommend number one I'm speaking number two I'm still speaking and you want to be able to do all of this without pausing at all without missing a beat that is why you want to practice these things so make sure take your flash card around with you this week if you find that being interrupted is something that you struggle with and practice doing this so that the next time it happens to you if


You're giving a presentation you're talking you're in front of colleagues and somebody tries to steal the floor from you without missing a beat you can say I'm speaking and then you keep speaking without missing a beat and then if they try it again I'm still speaking and it sounds like it may be simple it is one of the most powerful strategies that you could possibly use to stop somebody because they will not be used to somebody saying to them I'm speaking


As they're speaking like Judge Judy you watch you'll say I'm speaking and should give you karate chop the eyes wide and forwards you'll raise your voice and remember to keep using the broken record do not when you're using the strategy let somebody get away with interrupting you and one of the worst things you can do is one of the most commonly done things you'll notice that what most people say with the first thing out of their mouth when somebody tries to


Interrupt them comment what's the most common thing that people do mm-hmm they'll say things like this excuse me I'm speaking I'm sorry I'm not finished they'll start out with saying excuse me or I'm sorry or I'm not finished speaking yet I'll let you talk when I'm done all that stuff I'll let you talk when I'm done I'm not finished speaking yet be I'm sorry excuse me all of that stuff mm-hmm it only takes one message I'm speaking


And you can figure all the rest out and you will and of course this is one of the message this is one of the strategies that I would want to use after doing a cost-benefit analysis you know if I'm speaking with my grandmother and she interrupts me I'm not going to say I'm speaking to my mother I probably wouldn't do it to my boss I would use this strategy of course with those whose opinions of us is not


Important - at the moment because most people will get their nose out of joint however they will respect you more as an a communicator and certainly those who are watching will respect you more as a communicator because when we see that exchange between other people when we see somebody who is who has the floor and somebody tries to take that floor from map and they confidently say I'm speaking and then they keep talking and they might even say I'm still speaking


And then they keep talking what most people do and I'm sure you've seen this is we'll sit back and go oh did you see pickups Wow and my impression of you my opinion of you has just skyrocketed and I'll think okay that's somebody not only that is powerful and confident but that I'm not gonna mess with so remember practice these strategies and know when to use them you want to selectively use the anti interrupter but do use it when you feel it's necessary


That's the anti interrupter I'm speaking and our last difficult people strategy is the anti office bully I want to start out by saying I realized there are many different types of bullies and I'm not talking about the bully in your seventh-grade math class I'm not talking about an abusive spouse I'm speaking about the office bully you know an office bully is somebody who is aggressive in their communication style they talk really loud they talk over you


They do what they're gonna do they are verbally abusive in the sense that they might name call they think they're gonna be pushy and get what they want while stomping on the rights of other people that's an office bully and there are many strategies to use one enough with an office bully one strategy that we can use that we're going to talk about right now is this simple two-step anti office bully remember that when you use strategies where you're dealing with


Difficult hostile people you will always want to be aware of your body language you always want to make sure that your chest is up that your shoulders are back and that you do not tilt your head to the side at all you want to make sure to tilt your head forward if you're going to tilt it or at least keep it straight but never tilt your head to the side when you are confronting a hostile difficult person so let's say that you are dealing with an office bully and


You're discussing your ideas and they start to talk loud and talk over you and swear when you've decided that is enough try this simple two step process step number one deliver a boundary setting statement a boundary setting statement helps you be an assertive communicator remember that we have to as assertive communicators tell other people how we expect them to communicate with us we have to set limits we have to tell people when they are communicating when


They are committing a communication infraction with us that is your responsibility as an assertive communicator and a boundary setting statement helps us do that it helps us tell people hey you know what I'm going to reward you by continuing to communicate with you however I'll only do that if you follow a simple rules and the way you articulate that is by using a phrase sounds like this I do want to yada yada


Yada but not yada yada yada so repeat that out loud after me I do want to but not and here's a very simple magic phrase that I can use that you can use for boundary setting statements I do want to hear everything that you have to say but not in this manner and you can you make mix that up a lot you know I do want to hear all of your ideas but not if you're going to continue to use for vanity I do want to hear everything that you have to contribute to this meaning


However not if you're going to act in this unprofessional manner I do want to continue this conversation but not like this that is step number one and the step number two is deliver an empowering statement an empowering statement is a statement that lets other people decide how to move forward now remember you're the one who's navigating this conversation because it is such a gift to realize that we can navigate all of our communication interaction with other


People all of it you are in the driver's seat now it doesn't it's just just like when we're in the driver's seat of our own car we don't always take the route that we're hoping to take we don't always even get to our destination but you are driving and you are in charge of these conversations and the more you realize that the more we all realize that I'm in charge of every relationship in my life and I'm in charge of every conversation that I have the more


Success I will find you know that I won't be able to hit my target a hundred times out of a hundred every day maybe yesterday I had the opportunity to hit my communication target a hundred times and I maybe only hit it once but with some more tools maybe tomorrow I can hit it twice at an empowering statement is a great tool to use in a variety of communication circumstances and it goes like this are you ready to continue this conversation now would you rather maybe


Take some time and revisit this later this afternoon you can let somebody know hey as I just told you we're not continuing this conversation the way you thought we were continuing in a moment to go however I'm willing to continue this conversation as long as you follow my rules which I just stated to you you can't use profanity you have to treat me as a professional whatever that is and I'm going to give you the option of doing that now or we


Can come back later on this afternoon it is your choice you know give people choices and they will feel empowered that's why it's called an empowering statement and you'll be amazed at how often people will start to adhere to your rules when you set them clearly and let people know you have two options we can do it this way or we can try it again later on and remember that a key is if it continues in a manner in which you are not


Comfortable you have to get up and leave and that includes if it's your boss if it's your spouse if it's your employee if it's your coworker once you have set boundaries and you have told somebody I will not communicate in this manner if it continues and you communicate in this manner you're hurting your image you're hurting yourself and you're actually hurting those people around you because you're training them to communicate in


An aggressive disrespectful manner now you might want to give people one more opportunity you might want to give people what's called a bottom line statement a bottom line statement begins with I don't allow so repeat that I don't allow repeat it again I don't allow one more time I don't allow and it's very simple to say for example if you told somebody mark I do want to hear all of your ideas but not if you're going to continue to


Use profanity would you like to take some time maybe and we could revisit this issue later on this afternoon or are you ready not after you've said that if mark says you know what I don't really give up what you think you could throw in a bottom line statement say mark I don't allow profanity either in my own or my office now would you like to continue this conversation now or would you like some time and we can revisit


This issue maybe later this afternoon you might even want to throw in a redirect with assumptions no I know I'm throwing a lot at you here but a redirect with the sumption is a great strategy to use and again a variety of different difficult people situations and it always sounds like this when you're ready to I'll be ready to now repeat that after me when you're ready - I'll be ready - the way you might use a redirect with assumptions is on your way


Out the door after you told mark mark I don't allow profanity at home or in the office again would you like to continue this conversation now or shall we revisit this issue maybe later this afternoon if mark says thank you you might want to say mark when you are ready to speak to me as the professional but I am I'll be ready to continue this conversation and you can leave you might even throw in a redirect with assumptions earlier you know you


Might just use that as one of the strategies that you want to try out and say mark when you're ready to stop using profanity I will be ready to hear everything that you have to say and you can throw in an empowering statement are you ready to do that now or would you maybe like a little time to gather your thoughts and we can revisit this later this afternoon as long as you have strategies such as bottom line statements redirect with assumptions


Boundary setting statements you can mix and match them you can use one before the other you can use the model together but the problem that most of us face is we can't find the words in difficult situation to properly articulate our rules for communicating and train people how to communicate with us if you practice strategies such as these and knowing the names of them crucial know what a boundary setting statement is know what a bottom line statement is


Know what a redirect with assumptions is other people know what they are and the more you know the more powerful of a communicator you can be and you rise up in your class of communicators you can communicate with the best of them if you know what the strategies are know what the verbal patterns are and know how to use them so what I'd like you to do is keep this keep the flash card for this lesson in your pocket this week or in your bag or in your portfolio or


Whatever you carry around with you and practice using these verbal patterns so that when you need them you can more effortlessly say hello when you're ready - I'll be ready - or you know I don't allow or I do want to hear everything that you have to say but not in this manner practice using these statements because if you don't practice going back to Judge Judy you know I ever watched you ever watch those judge shows you'll see some people get up and they'll say


Things like well ma'am I witnessed the female exit the vehicle and they sound very awkward and stilted because that's not how they really talk and it shows their mouth has really not practiced saying things like that but if you see police officers get up and speak like that sounds totally natural look it up and say things like well ma'am I witnessed the female exit the vehicle and it sounds normal for them simply because they say


And so their mouths are more comfortable they look more comfortable because they are comfortable so if you want to look more comfortable and appear more confident in your communication you have to practice these strategies as in no risk situation so you know practice them and all Rakus them with your friends practice them on the telephone so that when you need them you can pull them out and use them and appear confident to look collected and it will appear


Effortless for you and those are some ways you can deal with the office bully [Music] and speaking of that that brings us to our communication principle of the weak communication our communication principle of the week is we train people how to treat us this principle is basic and it's so crucial for us to recognize as a powerful savvy in-control communicator if people treat you like garbage once maybe twice


That's about them but if you find that people are treating you like garbage especially if the same person treats you like garbage over and over and over and over again the first time was about them the fifth time that was about you because there's something that you must be doing to reward that behavior you know I've we've all had situations in our lives where we've had repeat behavior that keeps popping up in our life where people are treating us in a


Way that we don't like but it keeps popping up it might not even be with just one person it could be with several people but it's the same behavior and it's it mystifies us and they're like how did that happen how could I find yet another boyfriend or another girlfriend or another employee or another boss who treats me like this how is that even possible that there are two people in the world like that and I found both of them because it's all about you and we


Train people how to treat us you know the first time listen you're dealing with an office time sucker you know that's fine suckers you you're minding your own business you're and you can hear the time sucker come down the hall and we kind of cringe thinking oh no oh no oh no no I've got a lot of work to do but a lot of work to do if they come into your office and they steal 20 minutes from you the first time again that's about them but what


Happens is I get a lot of people in my communication training courses who will use sentences with me that begin with you know so-and-so is always yada yada yada or it seems like every day so-and-so yada yada yada oh no this person doesn't with everybody there always blah blah blah and I have to remember we all have to keep in mind if there's a pattern of behavior in our life that we don't like that is about us


The first time somebody sucks 20 minutes from your day that's about that the 10th time that is about you because what gets rewarded gets repeated so I'd like you to repeat this out loud after me we train people how to treat us say that we train people how to treat us now say this I train people how to treat me say that again I train people how to treat me and now say this what gets rewarded gets repeated say that what gets rewarded gets repeated we're going to


Talk about these theories in our upcoming lessons but I'd like you to remember and really focus on this week that you train people how to treat you and look at other people that you work and live with you know how some people tend to go through life and everybody around them treats them like a god or a goddess or a queen and then there are some people who go through life and it seems as though everybody treats them like garbage and in both situations it's


Because that person is training the world how to treat them that's what we do and one of the first steps we can take in breaking the cycle of difficult negative unacceptable behavior that's coming acts from other people in our life is to realize I train people how to treat me and one of the first things I can do is recognize what gets rewarded gets repeated what are the rewards that you are giving to the difficult people in your life


Powerful communicators need to hone their communication skills throughout their lives, because effective communication is a skill, not a talent.  It must be practiced, like any other skill.  No one is born with exceptional communication skills.  Background, nature, nurture all play into whether someone communicates like a boss.  As Warren Buffet says: Invest in yourself. The one easy way to become worth 50 percent more than you are now at least is to hone your communication skills--both written and verbal. If you can't communicate, it's like winking at a girl in the dark--nothing happens. You can have all the brainpower in the world, but you have to be able to transmit it. And the transmission is communication.

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How to Deal with Workplace Bullying

Dec 29, 2023